Tuesday September 16, 2014


  • What type of housing development would you like to see replace the East View Lodge building?
  • Assisted living
  • 52%
  • Personal care home
  • 6%
  • Low-income housing/apartments
  • 42%
  • Other
  • 0%
  • Total Votes: 31

The Love Guru


Well last year around this time was the “Valentine's Day Sucks” column where you all learned my Valentine's Day evening was spent playing basketball with a bunch of sweaty men rather than being out on a date. That'll be happening again this year, except with sweaty soccer players instead. And again this year I only received one Valentine's present...and again it was from my mom: a Disney-themed lollipop (thanks again for rubbing in that the rest of the family's gone to Disney World whilst I'm watering your plants, mom). So, for all of the other Valentine's Day lonely lovers or confused companions, I figured I'd let the Love Guru that I am answer some Valentine's date questions asked by a few of my closest friends: Dear Mr. Guru, I don't know how to get a gift to my Valentine because the restraining order won't let me come within 300 yards of her, her work, or her home. What do I do? First off, go see somebody about that. Then, become an innovative stalker. Instead of following her around, figure out where she'll be in the future. Since you can't be near her, her work or her home, figure out where else she plans on being on Valentine's Day and, ahead of time, leave a bouquet of roses there in front of a big sign with her name on it, and trust that she'll find it. What else shows a comforting love than letting your Valentine know that you knew where she'd be throughout the day. Commenting on your date's “assets” on the first date. Yay or Nay? That all depends on if you want a second date or not. I don't have anyone for a Valentine's date and I want to find one soon. What should I do? First off, Valentine's Day is tomorrow, so you're likely screwed. BUT, if you're one of those Hail Mary kinda guys who plays it out until the last second, I'd suggest one of two things. A) Go into your local grocery store, hold a bouquet of roses, and wear a sign around your neck that reads “Looking for a Valentine...I'm not picky”. B) Head to the local library or bar on Valentine's evening, find a girl that's either sitting alone or with a group of friends (be sure to check the ring finger on her left hand) and hand her a rose with a smile (unless you're a hockey player who's lost their front two teeth, then just give them Zoolander's “Blue Steel” look). How long in to marriage is it appropriate to start using the washroom with the door open? (I don't think this friend understood the Valentine's theme.) Four months if you live together in a rural community, seven months if you live in the city. (Logic: You'll see more of each other if you're living in a small town.) Is it okay for me to invite myself on my brother and his girlfriend's first Valentine's date ever because my husband works evenings?....Because I did. Do you want to have a good relationship with your brother's girlfriend in the future? If so, I'd call in sick that night. And honey, your knockblocking (insert rhyming word for “knock”) your brother. Nobody appreciates a knockblocker. Forgetting about whether that's socially acceptable, for yourself, even third-wheeling a Valentine's date is better than eating a Valentine's supper at home alone with the dogs, so at least your night will be better off (and that's the most important thing, right?). Dear Mr. Lonelyheart, this is a true story, my husband of five years gave me a wooden toilet seat for Valentine's Day last year which obviously landed him in the doghouse. The hubby's not the most romantic guy but he is practical. What are some ways I can get my sweetie to be more romantic? The last thing I want is a matching toilet paper holder this year! First off, my heart is not lonely at all, it has four valves that keep it plenty of company. Secondly, I feel for both your bottom and the person who has to pick the slivers out of it. And, to answer your question, what's to say that gift isn't both practical and romantic. It's a fact (it's not really a fact) that men spend hours of their day on the toilet. So, if he's buying you a toilet seat, the correlation would mean he's doing so because he's thinking of you when he's in the washroom, which means he still spend hours thinking about you even though you've been married for five years. What's more romantic than that? Dear K-10, will you be my Valentine? Sorry Scott, I'm not that desperate yet. Anyway, I hope this helped you all out and, until next week, keep a smile on your face and I'll do the same.


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